Our new marriage has been strained by a lot of big changes.
My husband was officially retired after 18 years in the military a couple weeks after we wed. We’ve both been sick with stomach issues and last week, even the dog started puking during the night.
On Sunday I was feeling particularly poor while I was working. My husband took me to the Emergency Room and sat with me while I drank medicine to relieve my digestive symptoms, got my belly x-ray’d and waited. We were there until about 1:30 a.m. and my usually early-to-bed man was steady on for me. Of course, we made a What-a-Burger run on the way home for him, so I think that took some of the sting out ;0)
We’re also facing another problem: my anger.
I’ve never been someone who was full of rage. Normally, I burn hot but fast, and I don’t tend to hold grudges. I’ve always been somewhat proud of that because I don’t make too many enemies.
Turns out I banked on that character trait too soon. I’m under a fair amount of stress in a situation involving some people I love dearly. I’ve internalized it and only at times have let the madness pour out from me. Unfortunately, I’ve been directing that anger at my new husband as of late. Little things explode into marriage-rending hatred spewing from my otherwise innocent mouth. I have become the person I never wanted to be like — my mother in her younger years.
When I was growing up, my mom let her anger at my father lead her around. Everything was a factor or symptom of my dad divorcing her, doing things that weren’t kind or not placing enough importance on our family. She made every flaw, failure or foible his fault, even when it wasn’t.
I think that rage fueled a lot of my mom’s choices. She was very active in social causes and most of the time took me along with her. She was dedicated to the point of obsession, and I think those things became outlets for her rage. But when they weren’t, I was.
Here’s a list from the Christian Post that I think I may post on my fridge. It suggests ways for me to love my husband, and I love the idea that other people need this information too.
A lyric from a song by Avalon sums up how I feel about it all: ”
“Why do I live like I’m in chains, when you have set me free? Why do I have to break your heart, before I fall to my knees? I know it’s time to pray for change, give all I have to give. I wanna love you better than this…
Renew me, remake me, undo me, unbreak me. Come into the empty spaces, of my broken places and Consume me, complete me, pursue me, redeem me. Let your Holy Spirit living through me, renew me.”