Unsure about motherhood

Today is my first day of injectible medicine — Follistim — for fertility. I have to admit, I’m a little nervous about doing it right. What if I don’t give myself the shot in the right place, or the needle breaks off?

I’m also really nervous because as each day passes, we get one step closer to finding out if we’ll be pregnant this month. We probably won’t know for sure until early next month, but if it doesn’t happen, we’ll have to wait a few weeks to try again. It’s not so much the waiting that bothers me, it’s the not knowing.

If this method doesn’t work after 3 tries, my RE says we’ll have to regroup and talk about trying something else. We’re not really in a position to try alternate fertility methods, for a couple reasons. So three months from now could be the dead end of our journey toward parenthood.That’s both scary and relieving.

Weird, right? Although I’ve desperately wanted a child for the past 10 years, the closer we get to it the more worried I become that I won’t be a good mom, or we won’t be able to provide for a baby in the way we would want to. With a twinge of guilt, I admit that there are moments when I almost hope it doesn’t happen.

I know a lot of moms-who-want-to-be might be irritated at that. I don’t mean to disrespect anyone’s deep longing for a child. I have that longing too! I really don’t know why I feel this way. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I wonder if that means I shouldn’t me a mom? But my husband wants to be a father badly. What does that mean?

Perhaps it’s OK to feel unsure at this stage of the game. Maybe we’re just at peace about it possibly not happening. I hope the next week helps clear things up a bit.

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